Al's Unmerry Christmas
by TWDFan14
Summary: For the month of December, I am writing a Christmas edition of MWC. This is my first fanfic, so I hope you guys like it. In this one, Al sets out to buy Christmas gifts and chop down a Christmas tree to show his manliness to the family
1. Chapter 1

_(Al, Kelly, and Bud finish up cleaning their house for Christmas while Peggy sits on the couch and watches Oprah.)_

**Al**: All that's left to do is take out the trash and this pig-sty is finally done.

**Bud**: What are you talking about dad? You just saw me with a trash bag in my hand going out the backdoor.

**Al **_(Pointing at Peggy)_: Well son, you forgot to get that thing out of here that's sitting on our couch, smoking cigarettes and collecting dust.

**Peggy**: I love you too Al!

**Al**: Now kids, I have $100 set aside for your Christmas and I dread to even ask this, but tell dear 'ol dad what you want.

_(Peggy, Kelly And Bud rush up to Al all talking at once)_

**Al** _(yelling)_: Settle down you gaggle of morons! One at a time starting with Pumpkin.

**Kelly**: Daddy, I want a dress that says "Look at me, I'm so sexy".

**Bud**: Why not just tell dad to get you a dress that says "Come on in guys, I'm open for business!"

_(Kelly glares at Bud)_

**Kelly**: Maybe dad can buy you some sirens to go on your shoulders and a shirt that says "Virgin Alert."

**Peggy**: I want large tampons!

**Al**: Come on, Peg! Isn't there something a bit less womanly you want? Every year you get tampons, aren't you tired of it already?

**Peggy**: I could say the same thing about you in the bedroom.

**Al**: Well then put a bag over your head and see how long we last. Every time I see your face in that bed, I feel like I'm having sex with Kathy Griffin.

**Bud**: Now that the pea-brain you call a daughter and the sloth we call mom are done, what I want for Christmas is-

_(Enter Marcy and Jefferson, interrupting Bud. Marcy looks around and notices the clean house.) _

**Jefferson**: Hey Al, what's going on?

**Al**: Trying to figure out what this group of hemorrhoids want for Christmas.

**Marcy**: Wow, Peggy, I never noticed how white your floors were before. I guess you finally got that Neanderthal of a husband to put down the club.

**Peggy** _(Laughing)_: Trust me, all you have to do is bribe him with sports and he's all yours.

**Jefferson**: You don't even have a tree yet? There's this place not too far from the mall that sells Christmas trees.

**Al**: Jefferson, a real man goes out into the woods and chops down a tree for his family. Lumberjacks are real men, Hell, why do you think they have their own paper towels? A real man doesn't spend $50 to buy a tree that someone else chopped down. Besides, if you wanted your own tree, why not put ornaments on Marcy, tie lights around her, and stand her up by the window? Then again, PETA might get on you for abusing a chicken.

**Marcy**: Call me a chicken all you want Al, at least I wasn't the mall Santa and had 18 complaints from kids saying I smelled like corn chips and foot odor.

**Al**: Oh yeah? Well why don't you go be a good little boy and go to the mall to tell Santa what you want for Christmas? Maybe you'd like a bra that finally fits your man-chest!

_(Marcy begins to choke Al after he insults her, prompting Jefferson to break it up)_

**Jefferson**: That's enough out of the two of you! These are the holidays and a time for peace. This isn't time for you two to act childish.

_(Jefferson erupts into laughter, unable to hold it back due to Al and Marcy's insults to each other)_

**Jefferson**: HAHAHAHAHA! corn chips and foot odor! A bra to fit your man chest!

_(Marcy angrily grabs Jefferson's ear and leaves out of the house)_

**Marcy**: Laugh at my chest will you? We'll see how much of this chest you see tonight!

**Jefferson **_(pleading): _Babe, I'm good looking.

**Al**: Family, after I buy your gifts from the mall, I am setting out in the woods to chop down a Christmas tree because that is the manly thing to do.

**Bud **_(Throwing down a $10 bill on the dinner table): _That's my money since I'm betting on a tree falling on dad in the woods.

**Peggy **_(Throwing down a $5 bill)_: I'm betting that a bear will eat your dad.. Well, as long as the foot odor doesn't kill the bear first.

_(Kelly puts a quarter on the table, as Bud and Peggy look at her)_

**Bud**: Really Kelly? This is dad we're talking about. If we were talking about your charge rate for those guys in the alley at night, then your quarter would be acceptable.

**Kelly**: Yeah well, it's the same price as those sex hot lines you call pretending to be "Budro Suave".

_(Bud embarrassingly has no comeback)_

**Al**: Mock me and bet all you want family, but when Al Bundy comes back to this house, he is coming back with a Christmas tree and gifts of joy.


	2. Chapter 2

**Scene 2: Buying Peggy's Large Tampons**

_(Al enters the local supermarket in order to buy Peggy's tampons and walks up to the clerk.)_

**Clerk**_: _Hello sir, can I help you with anything?

**Al**_: _Yes, you can help me find a rope to tie around my neck. I'm looking for _(Al grits his teeth)_ large tampons.

_(The Clerk cannot understand Al talking through his gritted teeth)_

**Clerk**:I didn't catch that. What did you say?

**Al **_(whispering this time)_:Large tampons.

**Clerk**:Large pom-poms? I didn't really take you for a cheering type sir.

_**Al **__(pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration): _Oh, for crying out loud, large tampons.

**Clerk **_(loudly): _Oh, large tampons!

**Al **_(sarcastically)_:Geez, kid, tell the whole supermarket why don't you?

**Clerk**_ (speaking into the intercom): _Hey everyone, this guy up here just bought large tampons! He told me to tell everyone because he was so excited about the purchase.

_(Al does his signature "finger gun to head" and pretends to commit suicide, collapsing to the floor.)_

**Scene 3: Buying Kelly's Dress**

_(Al is now at the mall and walks into a clothing store called Dress for Success and looks around when a female worker approaches him)_

**Female Clerk**:Hi there, welcome to Dress for Success, see anything you like?

**Al **_(Checking out the butt of another female worker that walked by): _As a matter of fact, I do.

**Female Clerk**_: _Sir?

**Al **_(Snapping out of his daydream): _Listen, I need a dress that says "Look at me, I'm so sexy", but it can't exceed over $20.

**Female Clerk**:You know, I would have never taken you for a cross-dresser, but what a person does in the dark is their business, right?

**Al**: _(Sarcastically) _Is today moron day or something because I didn't mark it on my calender. No, the dress is for my daughter.

**Female Clerk**:I have just the thing.

_(The Clerk brings out a white dressed with feathers lined around the bottom)_

**Al**_: _Oh great, my neighbor is a mutated chicken and now my daughter is going to look like one too. Oh well, I'll take it.

_(Al then walks out of the store and looks around at other stores for Bud's gift. He looks around to a sporting shop and shakes his head no. He sees a video game store and shakes his head on. His eyes then see a sex store and he nods yes). _

**Scene 4: Bud's Gift**

_(Al then walks into the Sex-R-Us and looks around the aisles to find something Bud likes)_

**Clerk: **Hi there, welcome to Sex-R-Us. See anything you like?

**Al **_(Checks out the butt of another worker, only to see it's a guy with long hair when he turns around. Al looks with disgust)_: Geez, the one store you'd want to check out a woman in. Listen, I need something for my son for Christmas.

**Clerk: **Let me guess "I'm a shoe salesman and my son is a virgin who goes on dates with his right hand and a doll".

**Al: **There's really an aisle that says that?

**Clerk: **No, but I could tell just by looking at you. Anyways, why not buy your son a doll?

**Al: **A sex doll? Geez, how hard can that be to just pick out some rubber toy?

_(Al looks up to see there are a ton of variations of sex dolls)_

**Al: **If only choosing a wife could have had this many options, I'd have left Peg. _(Browsing through the dolls) _Pocahantas, Cinderella, Snow White, Kathy Bates?

_(Al picks up one that says "For the helpless virgin")_

**Al: **Perfect! Finally glad to have this shopping done for this migraine I call a family. Now, where am I supposed to get a Christmas tree?


	3. Chapter 3

**Final Scene: Oh, Christmas Tree **

_(Al is seen driving his Dodge down the road and stopping once he reaches some trees)_

**Al**: Let's see my family mock Al Bundy once he shows how much of a man he is.

_(Al pulls out a chainsaw and begins to cut down a tree. Suddenly, the tree falls on top of him but Al steps out donned in lumberjack clothing and safety googles, revealing the "Al" the tree landed on was a dummy.)_

**Al: **Boy, I knew that dummy would come in handy someday. I was planning on saving that for when I wanted to fake my death by falling off a cliff to get away from the red-headed wench and live out my life as a bachelor with buxom babes in the Bahamas.

_(Al straps the tree on to the car but given how heavy it is, he has to push the Dodge all the way home but fails to notice the sign outside of the woods that reads "Illinois State Park". Meanwhile, let's catch up at the Bundy house an hour later)._

**Bud **_(Talking to Peggy)_: Well mom, it looks like one of us is going to make some money given it's been 2 hours since dad left for the mall and he still hasn't returned.

**Peggy: **If only your father took as long in the bedroom as he does to come back home, I'd never wanna leave from upstairs.

**Bud: **Mom, let me offer you a rebuttal to your point. _(Bud grabs a trash can and begins to vomit in it)_

**Kelly: **I hope daddy comes back soon. I can't wait to try on that sexy dress of mine.

**Bud: **How long will you keep that dress on is the question.

**Kelly: **Bite me, Lord of the Virgins.

_(Al comes back with the gifts)_

**Al: **Bud, Kelly, how about come outside and help me with the Christmas tree. Peggy, I don't expect you to do anything because I'm not Oprah or a bon-bon.

**Peggy: **Well Al, I already have to do everything in the bedroom.

_(Al, Bud and Kelly set up the Christmas tree and Al gives everyone their gifts)_

**Bud: **Wow! The helpless virgin sex doll! Thanks dad. _(Bud hugs his dad and talks to the sex doll, noticing Isis propped up at the staircase) _It's not what you think Isis! She forced herself on me, but how about a threesome while you two lovely ladies are here. There's enough Bud to go around.

**Kelly: **Daddy, what's with the feathers on this dress? Did you steal it from Bjork's wardrobe or something?

**Al: **No pumpkin, I went across the road, plucked feathers off Marcy and glued it to the dress.

**Kelly **_(smiling)_: Oh, well I'll tell Mrs. D'Arcy thanks for the feathers.

_(A chirping sound is heard from the tree. Kelly looks at the tree and notices a snow-like substance on the tree)_

**Kelly: **Hey dad, look there's snow on the tree. I'm still a bit hungry as well, Mom fixed us Tangwiches again.

_(Kelly goes to eat the substance but Bud smacks her hand away)_

**Bud: **Kelly, for once in your life, you don't want to put that in your mouth. That's not snow, it's bird poo. _(A tag falls off of the tree and Bud reads it) _Illinois State Park. Dad, you stole this tree from the state park?

**Al: **What's it matter anyways? Do you think they are really going to notice one tree has gone missing?

_(A knock is heard at the door, Al opens it to find Officer Brady there. Brady also looks like Barry Williams of Brady Bunch fame)._

**Al: **I know you, aren't you-

**Officer Brady: **No, I'm not him and I never was him.

_(The family then begins to sing the theme song from the Brady Bunch theme)_

**Officer Brady: **Knock it off! Alright, fine, I am Barry Williams but I'm not here for that. I'm going around the neighborhood looking for the guy who cut down a tree from the state park. If I find the person, they'll get a $25,000 fine and a night in jail. Big Bubba's been looking for a mistletoe partner.

_(A chirping sound is heard. The family tries desperately to cover it up)_

**Officer Brady: **What was that chirping noise? That wouldn't happened to be the endangered golden-crest wren would it?

**Al:** No, that's Marcy D'Arcy, my neighbor. Every night she goes to sit on the bird bath and chirps until Snow White and the other animal friends come to visit.

_(The bird then flies onto Brady's hand and he looks at it. Brady glares up at Al as he realizes it's the wren) _

**Al: **Go on, Marcy, go back home with your family for the winter. _(Al laughs nervously_ _as Officer Brady takes him off to jail). _

_(Al sits in his jail cell along with a few other inmates)_

**Al** _(happily)_: This has to be the best Christmas present I could have ever gotten. A whole night away from the kids and best of all, no pleas from the red-headed, bon bon filled headache I call a wife wanting me to have sex... Well at least until I have to clean up the entire city of Chicago with them for community service to pay off that stupid fine. I don't think there's anything that could ruin my Christmas.

_(One of the inmates pokes Al in the shoulder to get his attention)_

**Big Bubba: **I think you owe me a kiss sugar muffin.

_(Al looks up to see there's a mistletoe hanging on the bar above his head. He gives a disgusted look to the camera)_

**END EPISODE**


End file.
